Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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