Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
