I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
