Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
