Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
