i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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