woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
