i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
