somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
