No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
