The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
