Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
