The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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