i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
