I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
