Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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