Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
