He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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