He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
