I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I believe in your delicious
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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