so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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