Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
