She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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