Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
