No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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