clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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