there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize