My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
