I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We're too hungover to prance.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
