Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize