My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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