is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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