So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just blew my weed a kiss
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
