God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
