and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
