Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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