I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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