Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
