I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
