thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
