Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
