I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
party gras won. party gras always wins.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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