Christians are straight up FREAKS
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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