farters have to be the big spoon...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
