When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
