Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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