So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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