Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This is classic penis vs brain.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
