Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
