Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
