Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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