were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
