nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish you could order shots online.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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