Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
