no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize