Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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