there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
