Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
