Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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