it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
