Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
