i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
