Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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