God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
