wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
