I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
