Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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